Its been such a long time since I've posted here. I've used this space primarily to write about things I don't want traced back to me for various reasons. I guess lately I feel I have nothing to hide.

I have a beautiful relationship with Kit, the first real "adult" relationship of my life. By which I mean to say that he's the first person with whom I've had a mature, understanding companionship founded on mutual trust and respect. No jealousy, no head games, no screaming arguments, no holding back things that ought to be said. I like that. I've spent so much time in so many dysfunctional relationships that I never realized that being with someone could be so...I don't know how to describe it. Normal, calm, happy, easy, relaxing, supportive, warm, playful, and so many other positive adjectives it would take all day to list them. Its...good. Like in the biblical sense - the "and God looked upon what he had made and saw that it was good" sort of good. I never knew I could have that. On top of all that, for the first time in my life, I have someone with whom I can share my appreciation for BDSM, and I've never been so satisfied.

Thinking about things with Kit sometimes makes me reflect on everything that happened with Acid. I regret that my relationship with him ended so badly, but that's my own fault for not ending it sooner - I kept telling myself that it would get better, or that he needed me, and finally I realized that in order to take care of someone else, I had to take care of myself first, and that just wasn't possible with him. I no longer feel guilty about that, or harbor any resentment towards Acid or how he treated me (though I have a feeling he resents me). Some days I wonder how he's doing - mutual friends sometimes tell me what they hear he's been up to and I feel the occasional pang of guilt that he's not doing so well. I have to remind myself that his choices are his own, and that if he wants to destroy himself with drugs and alcohol, that's his own issue, not mine. His problems have never been anyone's but his own, and he needs to figure out how to fix himself instead of waiting for a girl to come along and fix everything for him. That seems sort of cold when I write it out, but its the truth. I wonder if Kit's PSI stuff is rubbing off on me.

Another thing I've come to know about myself is that even though things with Kit are wonderful, I don't need him to be happy. I'm finally at a point in my life where I don't need to rely on anyone else for my happiness. It's good to know that I'm with someone I don't need and who doesn't need me - that we're together because we want to be. Nothing more, nothing less. I feel like the last four years have grown me in ways I never expected. I've let a lot of my hangups go, and I can finally say with absolute honesty that I love and am comfortable with myself. Sure, I have my bad days, but they're nothing like the bad days used to be. I look back on who I was when I entered college in the fall of '04, and see a completely different person - and though I didn't like her very much then, I can look back on her now with a kind of fondness, with the knowledge that that awkward, immature girl was just beginning to blossom into a pretty neat human being. I still have a long way to go in a lot of areas, but it's good to know I've already come so far.

I'm sure that another four years from now, I will look back on who I am today and think "wow, I was so different then" but I also think that I will look back with pride, and will have grown into a better person than I am now.

May you love yourself and those around you,
Lore

Been thinking about Kitty a lot recently. We don't get to play together as often as I would like because of school, work, and the fact that this relationship needs to be kept from the public eye for various reasons. It is difficult, sometimes, to be in the same room with him and have to pretend there is nothing between us.

I never expected to feel this strongly about a sub, particularly when we were originally planning only one or two casual sessions. Which is also weird because I've never been one for casual sex. Guess it took this one to break me down. In the time that I have known him, my Kitty has grown to be quite dear to me. I wonder, sometimes, what he feels toward me.

It seems rather backwards, to be honest. Me, a Domina, pining over and wondering about the feelings of a pet. Preposterous. And yet... and yet I can't help it.

Perhaps it is the way he writhes beneath my touch. Perhaps it is those gorgeously expressive brown eyes. Perhaps it is the way he cries out the word "Mistress" at climax and the way he whispers it again as he is calming down. "I love you, Mistress." Sends shivers down my spine, it does. I've only returned those words once... does he know how much of my heart went into them?

"I love you, my pet."

Warm (If slightly wet and sticky) Wishes
Lore

I seem to be falling for someone who isn't my SO. I must admit, I've been attracted to him for a long time, but recently, we've begun to be very close. For the first time in my life, I'm contemplating cheating on my partner. Just this once. It feels strange and yet, right. Never before has anyone opened themselves up to me like this, and I've never felt this close to another person before. My heart wants to tell me that this should happen, but my mind is screaming that this is wrong, that it would be cruel to his girlfriend and my boyfriend, that I'm a good girl and that I shouldn't even be making love with my boyfriend, let alone someone who I'm not in a steady relationship with.

I don't know what to do.

I've been thinking a lot about the issue of rape lately. It seems to be coming up in a lot of places, and I feel guided to contemplate a few things about it.

My male friends laugh at the way I carry around a pocket knife and a bottle of sour spray-candy (aka college students' mace) when I have to go out at night alone, they don't understand why I'm afraid of catching the bus home after dark, and they think the campus "escort service" that walks girls back to their cars/dorms at night is silly. They know I'm afraid of something happening to me, but I don't think they realize that I HAVE to be afraid. When they joke about it and I voice my concerns that they're being flippant about a serious subject, they chalk it up to the "fact" that I'm being a "bitchy feminazi" and should be ignored. Even if I could work up the courage to tell them that I myself am a survivor, I don't think the casual comments and jokes about rape would stop. They know its bad, but I don't think they can understand HOW bad.

Don't get me wrong, I love them all dearly, I just think that they live in a different world than I do, simply because they were born male. For one, they have little reason to be afraid of sex. They might worry about STD's or worry about performance issues, but they're not afraid of the sex act itself -- its not a negative thing for them, by any stretch of the imagination. Sex, for them, will never hurt. They cannot be forced to have sex with a woman when they have absolutely no desire. They cannot be labeled as "used" or "damaged goods" or sluts because they engaged in sex. Having sex will never be a humiliating, demeaning, soul-crushing experience for them. I have been through all of this. And its sad that my first experiences with sex are painful to think about because I know now that sex can be a beautiful thing. Its also sad that no matter how loving and tender and joyful the act is now, it will always be tainted by those first brushes with horror. It didn't have to be painful and humiliating and dirty, but it was, and that's something I don't think my male friends will ever be able to understand what that means to me, to my life.

I think about other survivors, who have been hurt worse than I have, and it angers me that this is still happening. It pains me that some of them never get the chance to see what happens when sex stops being "fucking" or "getting fucked" and becomes "making love." And I wonder, what are we, as a society, doing wrong? What can be changed so that there are no more rapes? What can be done so that there's no more abuse? And I look around and despair that the answer is that the problem is so big and so deep that it may never be fixed. Its in the movies we watch, the books we read, the advertisements on the billboards, the lyrics of our music (well, not MY music, because I listen to weird-ass instrumental stuff, but you know what I mean), it is everywhere.

Did you know that women both get more attractive and physically stronger while they're ovulating? The attractiveness helps a woman find someone to possibly make a child with. The strength is to fend off males she'd rather not make a child with. 0.0 The implications of the latter fact are astounding -- human women evolved anti-rape mechanisms. If we evolved these mechanisms, it must be because they were needed. We needed them enough that NOT having them was hindering the proliferation of the species. My Social Psychology course is mind-blowing, I tell you.

Ach, its late! Fewmets! I need to get to bed, so I'll finish this later. But before I sign off...

Update! The friend I mentioned in the previous post is okay. His fiancee flew down to go find him, and did. He was wounded -- not clear on the details of how the wounds came to be -- but he has recovered. He is staying with his fiancee for a short time, while they figure out what to do next.

On a side note, I've found him to be horribly annoying lately, but deep down, I'm glad he's still around to be annoying.


Lorne

Hullo, its been awhile, hasn't it?

I'm very worried right now. A friend from a BBS I hang out on lost his home last week, and has been living in a park for the past few days. One of the other board members is a close friend of his, and has been keeping up with him and doing his best to offer support from several counties away. But today, when Derek was talking with this friend, he mentioned that he was thinking of killing himself. The friend as well as his fiancee lost contact with Derek a few hours after that, and no one has been able to reach him since then. We're concerned that it may already be too late.

I hope that he's alright. I know that no one really reads this, but if there is anyone there, please... send out a prayer for my friend Derek. Pray also for his fiancee Melissa, and for his family, because I know they're all worried about him.

I really hope he's alright.

God be with you,
Lorne

I recently encountered one of the best descriptions of music I have ever heard.

"It was the most beautiful sound in the world. It was part mathematics and part...euphoria. I felt certain that whatever this was, was a gift to the world, meant to fill all who heard it with a flood of emotion.

It then struck me that not everyone could appreciate this miracle. The sound increased my sorrow for those who could not hear it."

This quote was taken from the new series Kyle XY, which is quickly becoming one of my favorite series ever. What's been written here is Kyle's reflection on his first exposure to music, when the next door neighbor plays a relatively simple arrangement of Pachelbel's Canon in D on the piano.

The combination of his words and the music was moving, and kindled in me a different kind of sorrow...realization that music is not as much a part of my life as it once was, and that I miss it dearly. The Canon was the very first full chamber piece I ever played, and remains one of my favoite pieces of music to this day. I have heard countless versions of it, and I never tire of them. From the traditional string quartet to Jeryl C's rock guitar, Pachelbel's masterpiece is the most beautiful song I know.

Music is...I've heard it said that music is the food of the soul. When music moves you, when it reaches your heart and grabs you and won't let go... there's nothing in the world quite like it. It nourishes something deep inside, fills an emotional need that up until that moment, you never knew was there. Its... its magic. It is my first and truest love, it is my sunshine and my rain, I can't imagine what life would be like without it.

Joy fill your day,
Lorne

I got to meet my friend C's boyfriend today. Well, not really. I chatted with him over AIM. It was quite nice, aside from dealing with the obvious Dom/Sub relationship they have going on. In fact, its kind of cute, in a disturbing sort of way. Was strange though, I've never seen that side of C, so demanding and superior. I was a bit scared.

Boyfriend has a very sweet, playful personality that comes off as charmingly child-like, and yet startlingly precocious. I keep forgetting that he's older than I am. Its nice because it balances C's personality wonderfully... C takes life too seriously. Its nice that he's found such a nice boy to be with.

Anyway, after awhile, C had to log, so it was just the boyfriend and I. We got to talking, and I heard something interesting. I've known for awhile that their relationship is primarily online because they live so far away from one another, and that they managed to get together face-to-face just once. What I didn't know is that C is reluctant to have sex with his rather eager BF. BF is a virgin, and C is slightly experienced, so one would figure that BF would be the hesitant one, but this isn't the case.

Apparently, C is afraid of hurting his lover, even though said lover has told him, "I don't care if I get hurt." I also found out that C refuses to talk about his first time... which leads me to believe that his...defloration was painful and/or traumatic, which would explain his reluctance to subject BF to a similarly difficult first time. Luckily, BF is willing to take things as slow as C needs.

Speaking from my own experience, losing one's virginity is a unique experience. Once you've had it, it cannot be repeated, and like all first impressions, one's first experience with sex will color every experience that follows it. An unpleasant first time will spoil a lot of sex that comes later on in life. This is particularly pertinent when concerning male homosexual intercourse -- unlike when a woman's maidenhead is broken, a bottom's first time doesn't have to hurt. Sufficient preparation and relaxation should make for a pleasant experience. However, if the first time hurts, it could be difficult for him to relax enough during subsequent encounters. If my guess is correct, its no wonder C is reluctant.

Aside from boudoir issues, they seem very happy and comfortable with each other. I'm so glad for them both.

Live in Love,
Lorne

I've been doing more counseling than usual recently, and I've had to wonder to myself... Am I doing a good job? Should I really be giving advice to other people when my own life is so messed up? Am I really doing anything to help or am I just giving people bad advice? Or worse yet, am I making them dependent on me?

Some of the problems I'm trying to help people with are things I *know* I am unqualified to advise on. Case in point, I was discussing JI's crush and soothing his worries about coming out of the closet to his family. I am bisexual and have known for nearly five years now, my parents still haven't got the foggiest idea.

Another example. I've been talking over some spiritual matters with my sorta-kinda accountability partner who is, truth be told, a lot more on-track than I am in a LOT of ways. (Such as, I dunno....not working with witchcraft?) His current issue involves pornography, which I will admit to having exposed myself to... and then I go and tell him he shouldn't see it. I mean, I guess I can say that from an "I've been there and you don't want to go" kind of perspective, but who am I to give this guy godly advice? I was quoting scripture at him for heaven's sake! I feel like such a hypocrite.

I want to help my friends and give advice where and when I can, is it really such a good idea? Maybe that's why I'm changing my Major to Psychology... so I know I'm doing things right. I can't help anyone if my self-confidence as a counselor is shot... I have to get my own head on straight before I can go about fixing other people up. No one's going to trust a therapist who's afraid of making a mistake... I need to be confident and to prove to myself that I am competent so that the people I help can have faith in me. Maybe this really is what I'm meant to do, and I'm just not quite ready to do it *yet*.

Sun shine upon you,
Lorne

"War rages 3 years after "Mission Accomplished"

Just something to think about.

Note: I got this from a wiccan site known as Daven's Journal. Daven is a very intelligent, down-to earth practitioner, and I have a great deal of respect for him.

Now then, the Doctrine of Feline Sedentation!



How would Christians deal with "The cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The Liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should he interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This would lead to an immediate backlash from the Evangelicals. They would make an essential condition of faith that a real, physical, living cat, being a domestic pet of the Felix Domesticus species, and having a whiskered head and furry body, four legs and a tail, did physically place its whole body on a floor covering, designed for that purpose, and which is on the floor, but not of the floor. The expression on the floor, but not of the floor would be explained in a leaflet.

Meanwhile, the Catholics would have developed the Festival of the Sedentation of the Blessed Cat. This would teach that the cat was white and majestically reclined on a mat of gold thread before its assumption to the Great Cat Basket of heaven. This is commemorated by the singing of the Magnificat, lighting three candles, and ringing a bell five times. This would cause a schism with the Orthodox Church which believes that tradition requires Holy Cats Day (as it is colloquially known), to be marked by lighting six candles, and ringing the bell four times This would be partly resolved by the Cuckoo Land Declaration, recognising the traditional validity of each.

The charismatics would welcome the chance for the full experience of the feline presence. This to be shown by resting, on all four limbs, on the floor and meowing in the feline spirit. This would, naturally, only be possible following the singing, for some 30 minutes, of inspired songs such as "O cat, cat, cat, come to our mat, mat, mat, Feline we enthrone you, we proclaim you as cat and When you scratch us, we know that you're here."

The house church elements might even agree a common doctrine, after four pauses, in a statement of multiple clauses.

Eventually, in the Church of England, the House of Bishops would issue a statement on the Doctrine of the Feline Sedentation. It would explain that traditionally the text describes a domestic feline quadruped superjacent to an unattached covering on a fundamental surface. For determining its salvific and eschatological significations, we follow the heuristic analytical principles adopted in dealing with the Canine Fenestration Question (How much is that doggie in the window?) and the Affirmative Musaceous Paradox (Yes, we have no bananas). And so on for 210 pages, The General Synod would then commend this report as helpful resource material for clergy to explain to the man in the pew the difficult doctrine of the cat sat on the mat.


Walk in joy, laughter, and silliness!
Lorne

A Thiarna, déan trócaire orainn, a Chríost, déan trócaire orainn
(Irish Gaelic for Kyrie eleison, Christe eleison or "Lord, Have mercy on us. Christ, have mercy on us.")

EDIT: Gabh mo leithscéal! I made a mistake. I should have written "A Thiarna, déan trócaire, a Chríost, déan trócaire." While what I wrote above is gramatically correct, the "orainn" or "we/us" is semi-redundant, and is not used in the hymn. Sorry.

THE BLESSING

May the blessing of light be upon you
Light on the outside, Light on the inside.
With God's sunlight shining on you,
May your heart glow with warmth like a turf fire
that welcomes friends and strangers alike.
May the light of the Lord shine from your eyes
Like a candle in the window,
Welcoming the weary traveler.
May the blessing of God's soft rain be on you
Falling gently on your head, refreshing your soul
With the sweetness of little flowers newly blooming.
May the strength of the winds of Heaven bless you,
Carrying the rain to wash your spirit clean
Sparkling after in the sunlight.
May the blessing of God's earth be on you
And as you walk the roads
May you always have a kind word for those you meet.
May you understand the strength and power of God--
In a thunderstorm, in winter,
And the quiet beauty of creation
In the calm of a Summer sunset.
And may you come to realize that
insignificant as you may seem in this great Universe,
You are an important part of God's plan.

May he watch over you
and keep you safe from harm

(As read by RoseMarie Downey)

Go raibh beannacht solais agat --
solas amuigh agus solas istigh.
Go dtaitní solas na gréine ort agus go rachfadh sé ido chroí
go dti luisnionn sé mar thine mhóna mhór
chun go thiocfadh an strainséir chun é fhéin a théamh aige.
Go dtaitní solas beannaithe as do dhá shúile
cosúil le coinneal in dhá fhuinneoga ti,
ag agairar an seachránaí a teacht as an stoirm.
Go dtuga tú go síoraí beannú cineálta doibh siúd\a gabhanN tú tharstu ar na boithre.
Beannacht na báisti -- an báisteach mhilis bhog
chun go d'éirigh bláthanna bheaga go tobann, a go silfidh
siad a milseacht san aer.
Go raibh beannachtaí yalún ort -- an talmh mhaith mhéith.
Go raibh an talamh bog fút nuair suíonn tú air,
agus tú tuirseach ag deire an lae.
Go luífidh an chre0233 go caoin tharat nuair lúionn tú faoi i ndeireadh na dála.
Go luífidh an chré chomh headrom ort i dtreo is go mbeidh d'anam as faoi go mear,

Agus thuas, amuigh, ar a shlí go Dia.

(Translation into Gaelic by Pádraig. Used without permission. *sheepish look*)

Walk in light,
Lorne

I've been thinking lately about...not my Faith, exactly...more about my beliefs. I'm a Christian, and I say that with a mixture of pride and shame... pride that I am guided and protected and loved by the Father, shame for what many of the others that call themselves "Christians" do and say in the name of God. But I suppose that I too, could be considered a hypocrite, or even a heretic. For while I place my faith and trust in the Father Above, I do things that could be considered magic. Witchcraft. I do not call myself a witch, but there are many who would.

Lets see if I can explain this... I believe in and worship God, the Father, the Virgin Mother Mary, and Jesus. I also have a healthy level of respect for Mary Magdalen and believe that she may have been the wife of Christ, but I do not worship or pray to her. But I also invoke protective circles and shields, heal, and believe in the reality of various Gifts. I believe that Lucifer, the fallen angel, reigns in the nine circles of hell and that there is a spiritual war being waged around us between good and evil all the time. I believe in Angels and demons, and I believe in Gifts. The Bible mentions Gifts -- the Gift of prophecy, of tongues, of exhortation, of banishing spirits, of healing. In addition to those, I believe in the Gifts of Sight, of Clairvoyance, of Guardianship. I think that God gives us these gifts to strengthen his Children, and as weapons in the war against the Evil One.

My mother has Dreams... she sees the future, and can sense things that are beyond most mortals. This Gift is actually quite common in my family. My mentor can feel when someone is in need of help, and is...you might say under a geas - he is unable to help anyone until they ask, but once they do, he is bound to give them whatever they need. My beloved is a true Witch, decended from a line from before the Burning Times... born with the gift of identifying, immediately, if another has been born with Gifts, of Channeling (non-mortals can speak through him), and, though it pains me a little to say it, a natural talent and strength with hexes and bindings and banishings. My own is that I can, with effort, lay my hands on another and lend them the strength needed for their body to heal itself. I also have a Gift for another kind of healing -- people talk to me. I have a natural talent for getting people to open up to me and let me counsel them.

I wonder, occasionally, if I am on the correct path. It feels right.. and by that I don't mean that it feels good or that its fun... things get difficult and very scary sometimes. What I mean is that I feel fufilled and Guided, like I am doing what I am meant to do, what He Created me to do. There is nothing in the world that makes me feel as alive and true to myself as healing someone, no matter how much of a strain it puts on me.

If you're still reading this and are getting ready to lay on a lecture, let me say this:

Fellow Christians, I know what you're about to say... Exodus 22:18, "thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." That's a mis-translation. The original latin was "Maleficos non patieris vivere" (Thou shalt not endure the evil-doer/murderer/poisoner to live.) Also, the Bible does discuss spiritual gifts (2nd Corinthians. anyone?) like prophecy and healing, gifts that are still evident amongst people you dismiss as pagan heretics.

As for the Wiccans and other practitioners, don't lump me in with the rest of the Christians as a bigoted hypocrite, and stop harping about the Burning Times and how nine million were burned/hanged/stoned etc by Christians and I'm evil for affiliating myself with them. Not all witches believe in the same things or worship the same gods, most don't sacrifice animals, most don't cast curses on innocent people. Not all Christians are pedophilic prudish bible-thumpers against free speech, equality, individuality, and common sense. Lump me in with the group and YOU'RE the hypocrites. Next, the Burning Times: yes, they did happen. People were killed, and it was wrong. But the thing you need to know is that it wasn't 9,000,000. That number's false, and a closer estimate would be 20,000. Do your homework. That doesn't make the burnings any less of an atrocity, and I truly do grieve that people who call themselves by the same name that I do commited these crimes. Second, the Burnings were carried out by individuals, not by some faceless and nameless horde. Again, don't lump me in with them.

Right, well, its two in the morning, and I need sleep. I may add more to this later. Goodnight, all.

Wind at your back,
Lorne



EDIT: Wow, I learned something new today. In Christian terminology, there's a name for what new-ager's might call "empathy" or "clairvoyance." Its "Word of Knowledge," and is, actually, mentioned in the Bible. Joy! Christian names and justifications for both my gifts! (5/18/06)

Disneyland sucks ASS in the rain.

T_T I hate cold weather... I hope that wherever you are, its nice and warm and sunny. ^_^

Sun shine upon your face,
Lorne

Forgive my foul language, but yes, Spring Break does, in fact, suck dick. Or at least, it will this year. Why would I be unhappy about a week-long break from the drudgery of school? Well, there are several reasons.

For one, I'm leaving on a trip the day before my boyfriend's birthday, and I'm going to be gone for a whole week, on the other side of the world's largest ocean. Needless to say, he's more than a little disappointed that I won't be here for the occasion, and I'm not exactly thrilled at the idea either. To make it worse, this trip is to California, where I will make the required visit to Disneyland and be spoiled by my relatives. I feel terribly guilty, to the point where it could ruin my vacation. And I'm going to miss him... T_T

On top of that, I'm taking an Honors seminar course this semester, which will be graded mostly on a ten-page final paper... My first draft will be due right after my return... So not only will I be missing my beloved and feeling guilty for being away on his birthday, I have to cram and try to write up at least 5 pages worth of draft whilst on my trip. Not fun. I've been feeling so burnt out lately because of school, and instead of taking a break from it, I'm still going to be working my ass off. I'm nearly ready to throw in the towel and quit school, but my parents would never forgive me for that. Heck, I'd never forgive myself -- I have no desire to end up like big brother, hounded all the time by his parents because even though he's a brilliant tech, the jobs he's held so far are...less than desireable.

So, right now, I'm not really in the best of places. What I'd really like is to spend the week here at my dormitory with my beloved, reading Shadow of the Giant and Death note, playing my guitar, and forgetting that school exists. Well, I suppose one can't always get what they want. But still... a vacation should be a chance to relax and enjoy myself, not tear my hair out and contemplate jumping from the hotel balcony. >_<

Blessings be with you,
Lorne

I'm a little scared. All week, I've been having that chest pain off and on. Its never lasted this long before, and I'm starting to worry about myself. The doctor has never found anything wrong with me, but this stinging pain right through my heart can't be normal. Nor can the coughing that usually comes with it. I just want to know what the hell is wrong with me... If its something bad I want to know, if its nothing, I want to know. Surely knowing *something* would be better than this burning question...

Yesterday, it was so bad... I was out of breath and I kept feeling like I was gonna fall over. Even worse, I was over at Big Brother's house with a bunch of our friends, and I didn't want them to worry. I was torn between the desire to curl up in a ball on the floor and the desire to appear as "okay" as possible. I settled for a bit of a compromise by going into another room and sitting in a semi-fetal position with a book. It would have worked, except someone else was reading in that same room and heard all the coughing and gasping and saw my hand pressed over my heart. Needless to say, he was a little concerned.

Then again, he's always been the one to notice, even more so than my own boyfriend... perhaps its because he's sick and knows what it feels like when I'm having one of those days. There was one day when I was bringing up a lot of fluid and I went to spit it out in the sink. Everything was kind of red, and my initial reaction was "Oh dear God, is that blood?" And the next thing I heard was pounding footsteps as this friend came running, (quite literally RUNNING) to see if I was okay. Almost immediately after I spoke, I realized the red was from all the Code Red I'd been drinking and that was a bit of a relief, but I felt bad for making him worry. Once I got over the guilt, I was really touched by his concern for me.

I mean, that's a true friend. Someone who, without even thinking about it, will come running if they think you need help. I want to be that kind of friend.

Soft rain be upon you,
Lorne

I just got the feeling that something, somewhere, has gone horribly wrong. No idea what though. I sometimes call this my "lassie" sense... it comes running up, barking at me to get my attention, and then I have to go and figure out what the hell its trying to tell me. This usually entails callinig up all my friends, one by one, and checking to see if they're okay, and then checking up-to-the-minute news sites for some kind of disaster.

Actually, today I get the feeling that it might be someone in particular that needs help. I'm gonna start calling around now... I'll update if and when I figure out what's wrong.


Later...

Nope, still no idea what happened. Nothing in the news, nothing with any of my friends... *shrugs* Maybe just someone walking over my grave. *scoffs*

Well, here I am, starting yet another new blog. I guess its because I need to have someplace to vent without worrying that anyone I know will read it.

I've been kind of stressed out lately, things in my life are... complicated. I mean, one of my close friends has just confided to me that he has DID or Dissassociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as MPD or Multiple Personality Disorder). He's not the first person I've known with it, but its kind of disconcerting when someone lets you see past the surface personality for the first time and talk to the people hiding beneath that. I don't think I've ever seen an alter look so hollow or so sad.

Another one of my friends...actually, my BEST friend called me up in tears the other night and confessed that her boyfriend has been emotionally abusing her. I've got half a mind to go over to his house and beat the living daylights out of him for treating her the way he is, but she's asked me not to interfere yet. I'm gonna try and help her figure out how to handle things...maybe things can still change, but if they can't, I'll do my best to make sure she gets out okay.

On top of helping my own friends, I haven't been doing so well myself. Been getting those chest pains again, and coughing really badly. I keep tasting blood when I cough but I never see any, so it could be worse. I've been fortunate enough that it hasn't happened in front of my darling yet because I don't want him to worry. One of our close mutual friends seemed pretty concerned though. Been trying to take it easy so it doesn't happen too often. Have to keep playing it down when it DOES hit, because I really don't want to worry anyone.

But aside from all that, my life is pretty okay. Trying to stay involved in debates, art shows, political rallys and all that. Keeping up with classes, working on my term paper, just generally doing my best at whatever gets thrown my way. But really, isn't that all any of us can do?

Road rise to meet you,
Lorne